My dear Mary, remember that he loves you regardless of the brazen hussy he brought home. She may be softer on the eyes than you (though I think you are quite attractive) and hum softly when he strokes her, but her love is false. If she were larger she would eat him alive. She is merely using him for room and board.
I understand she is antagonizing you, but it is best not to give her what’s coming right away. If he sees the two of you fighting he will naturally assume that you are the aggressor due to your larger size (which, incidentally, is just the right size for me. I can think of no more attractive rump than yours). Instead, let her think she has run of the house. Given her haughty character she will assume this unless given cause to think otherwise and it is best that she remain unsuspicious.
Now as to the accident itself, it is a well-known fact that creatures of her class are incapable of swimming. Therefore, if it can be arranged that she should fall into your master’s swimming pool the deed would appear quite natural. Perhaps her catnip could be misplaced onto an inner tube? You understand my drift.
Finally, in regard to the issue raised in your previous letter I can assure you that the rumors of my neutering have been greatly exaggerated. I look forward to seeing you again and exercising all the personal qualities you remember so fondly.
Humps and Kisses,
Rex
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